Creative and Mature Ways to Handle a Frenemy

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA — “Reunion” — Pictured: (l-r) Cynthia Bailey, Kenya Moore, Candi Burruss — (Photo by: Annette Brown/Bravo)

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the term Frenemy as “one who pretends to be a friend, but is actually an enemy.” In order to devise a plan for handling a Frenemy, one must first be able to recognize who really is a Frenemy—this is not always a clear cut matter.

Take two of Jesus’ disciples, Judas and Peter, for example. Judas sold Jesus out for 30 pieces of Silver by scheming with the Chief Priests who wanted Jesus arrested. Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him but He still kept Judas as part of His 12 disciples. Some Bible Scholars think that Judas may have been motivated by greed—he was the money box keeper for the group and he was even criticized for not necessarily using the funds for charitable endeavors; it also appears that Judas was not really convinced that Jesus was the Messiah (he used to refer to Jesus as Rabbi [teacher] while the other disciples referred to Jesus as Lord). Scholars also note that there is only one documented conversation between Jesus and Judas in the Gospels and it involved Jesus rebuking Judas for being upset with Mary Magdalene who had just used an expensive ointment to anoint the feet of Jesus (Judas had asked why the ointment was not sold to get good money). Judas was a shady character for sure.

Peter on the other hand denied ever knowing Jesus three times after Jesus was crucified. However, Jesus’ and Peter’s relationship was much stronger. Peter is always listed first in the list of the disciples in all the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke), there are several documented conversations between Jesus and Peter, and Peter always referred to Jesus as Lord—Peter was even there when Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss and he tried to defend Jesus.  Simon Peter drew his sword and chopped an ear of one of the arresting soldiers off.  Jesus admonished Peter to put his sword back.

Jesus knew that Peter would deny Him three times before the cock crowed and Peter was racked with guilt when it did happen –he wept bitterly. When Jesus first appeared to the disciples after His death, He asked Peter to carry on and lead the Christian movement (feed my Sheep). Jesus had given Peter his name when He first called Peter to follow Him (Peter’s original name was Simon). Peter means “the rock” (as in the rock upon which Jesus would build the Church). Jesus also knew that Judas would betray Him—He stated it clearly during the last Supper before Judas betrayed Him. After Jesus was arrested and crucified, Judas hung himself.  Two ‘friends” of the same Man—two very different endings.

It is very important for us to differentiate our Peters from our Judases. Peter is a friend who is human, Judas is the ultimate Frenemy. Peters may make mistakes here and there and they may have moments of weakness when they do not do things exactly as a good friend should, however, if you assess their track records over time, you will see that they have truly been mostly loyal. Peters are redeemable. Our Judases, on the other hand are in it for themselves and they really will stab you in the back, not caring at all if you experience harm. You have to be very careful with Judases.

How can you spot a Frenemy? A Frenemy will make you feel drained after interacting with him or her; this person will find it difficult to rejoice in your successes or your joys; you cannot count on this individual—he or she always cancels plans or ditches you last minute demonstrating that you are not a priority to him or her; a Frenemy consistently trash talks you to others and will couch insults in compliments (e.g. oh wow, we can’t even recognize you with make up on, you look so pretty or your  house is so beautiful—must be nice to have a rich husband). A Frenemy will see you make a blatant mistake and will not correct you, preferring to let you fall flat on your butt and embarrass yourself. A Frenemy will use your personal challenges to mock you behind your back after having seemingly flown to your rescue presenting him or herself as a confidante and supporter. 

Now that you can recognize a true Frenemy, It is important to understand that you do not necessarily have to throw away the relationship completely, after all, a frenemy is part friend and part enemy (so a frenemy isn’t all bad…LOL!) This is especially true when the frenemy is a relative/family member (yikes!)

So here are some creative and mature ways to handle a Frenemy:

1. Make sure that you are not in fact a frenemy yourself. Truly assess yourself and make sure you have not done anything to warrant the mistreatment from your presumed Frenemy. This is a crucial step and it requires a lot of introspection. If you have done wrong, then ask for forgiveness.
2. Keep your relationship with your frenemy superficial—set limits on topics of conversation (the amount of personal data you reveal) and the amount of time you spend with this person. Frenemies can be a lot of fun to be around (the friend part can be so attractive) but you have to be very careful with these tricksters as they can be quite toxic. By controlling the level of exposure to your Frenemy, you give him or her less ammunition against you (especially if you are a sensitive person), and you give him or her less avenues to be your enemy.
3. Use the rivalry to your benefit—use it as motivation to regularly perturb your frenemy’s soul with your success and joy. No! Nothing quite makes those green-eyed demons develop virulent stomach ulcers quite like seeing you live your best life. So, when you do not want to wake up to work out or when you don’t feel like putting in late hours at work, then you think of your frenemy and you better do like Rihanna and werk werk werk werk werk werk!!!
4. Put your emotions in check. Denying your frenemy the satisfaction of seeing you frazzled is akin to pouring salt on a snail.
5. Sometimes you have to calmly and firmly let your frenemy know that you caught all the shade he or she has been throwing your way. Let your frenemy know that you are aware of the double life he or she is shamelessly leading when it comes to your relationship and help him or her understand that you are not about that life. You do not have to be rude, vulgar or violent—you just have to present evidence and speak calmly and clearly. Most frenemies are passive aggressive people and they will not be able to handle direct confrontation (I can guarantee you that this person will punk out in your presence).
6. Frustrate your frenemy with your loving kindness and keep them guessing (I know, sick right? LOL!) A common tactic frenemies use is to tear your name down in front of other friends/relatives. Do not descend to this petty level. It is important to realize that your frenemy is probably jealous of you or so insecure that he or she can’t help but hate on your fabulosity! So treat your frenemy nicely and give other friends and relatives many reasons to recognize your frenemy to be the lying hater that he or she is by being the very opposite of the horrible person he or she tries to paint you as (all without saying a word).
7. Pray for your frenemy and wish him or her well. Again, realize that this person has a problem (or many problems as it were). This is crucial if you are a religious person. This can be very challenging to do but you will get peace of mind and this will help you stop wasting precious time and energy in the pursuit of “vengeance” or “vindication.” Grudges are so 1990s and so not worth your time.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic, as well as any suggestions that you may have. Please share them in the comment section below and let’s grow together, building a strong community of lifelong learners.

Love, Chichi