How I Harness My Inner Wonder Woman: Chasing the Elusive “It All”

Sometimes it seems that to be a woman is to constantly try to keep the earth from flipping on its axis. Can a woman really have it all—perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect career, perfect relationships, perfect closet? My answer is a resounding “YES!” Now before you complete your 999^th eye roll (LOL), please hear (read) me out.

I DO NOT believe in the typical notion of “perfection.” That would be like if I said to you that, at age 38 years, I believe in Santa Claus. Perfection is such a ridiculous bar to set for oneself or for another person. Rather than perseverate on lofty ideals that can only be achieved on Fantasy Island (a place popularly known as Instagram), I aim for much more practical targets in real life. While “absolute perfection” may be extraterrestrial, its much more earthly cousin “relative perfection” is very much attainable and on the market.

Relative to whom? Relative to me and my personal gifts and challenges at “that” particular time in my life is who. Me! The President/Prime Ministress/Grand Poobah/CEO of Chichi Egbuta, Unlimited.  When my target is relative perfection, I derive major motivation (rather than paralyzing fear) from setting high standards. I get motivated to reach for the stars but in that feel-good way where, if all I do is grab a piece of the clouds, then I am so golden!

The high-achieving career woman has to embrace relative perfection because work-life balance is a myth that only serves to keep women frustrated chasing shadows—this is especially true for the average woman who is neither super-rich nor super-human. Relative perfection is all about contextual assessment i.e. given a particular set of circumstances, you came up with your best and you are satisfied with said honest best. #YouDaRealMVP

My main aim in this blog post is to share with you how I have learned to harness my inner Wonder Woman. I do not claim to have all the answers, but I have learned quite a lot in my 38 year journey thus far that have helped me juggle my roles as wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and colleague with my career as a Pediatric Anesthesiologist and Pediatric Critical Care Doctor at a World Class Children’s Hospital, my Christian walk and my many hobbies and interests.

So, here they are: The 10 11 most important factors that have helped me (and continue to help me) achieve MY relative perfection:

1. Self-Awareness: From an early age, I developed a keen understanding of who I am and what makes me tick and that understanding has served me well in all the different twists and turns of life. You really have to understand who you are first and foremost—what are your strengths, what are your weaknesses, what grates on our nerves, what gets you passionate and excited so much so that you are fine with losing sleep over it? Self-Awareness is understanding what your internal state of being really is in the context of your external experience and cataloging that knowledge along the way.

According to a Psychologist, Daniel Goleman, self-awareness is the key cornerstone to emotional intelligence. The ability to monitor our emotions and thoughts from moment to moment is key to understanding ourselves better, being at peace with who we are and proactively managing our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. In addition, self-aware people tend to act consciously rather than react passively, to be in good psychological health and to have a positive outlook on life. They also have greater depth of life experience and are more likely to be more compassionate to themselves and others.

A 2010 executive leadership study completed by organizational consulting firm Green Peak Partners (which provides organizational and leadership consulting for public and private equity-backed companies) in collaboration with a research team at Cornell University’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations examined 72 executives at public and private companies with revenues from $50 million to $5 billion. One of the key findings of the Green peak study was “a high self-awareness score was the strongest predictor of overall success.  This is not altogether surprising as executives who are aware of their weaknesses are often better able to hire subordinates who perform well in categories in which the leader lacks acumen.  These leaders are also more able to entertain the idea that someone on their team may have an idea that is even better than their own.”   

So how did I cultivate self-awareness and how do I maintain it? I create alone time regularly (away from digital distractions)—time I use to read, meditate, think and just get lost in my own mind; I have kept journals in the past—writing down the things I am thankful for and defining my concerns; I constantly write down thoughts, key plans, priorities and ideas; I seek out feedback from friends, loved ones and colleagues; I have taken psychometric tests; and I practice mindfulness regularly (paying full attention in key moments of my life).

2. My Team: For a high achieving career woman to attain relative perfection, she must create a team of supporters that will serve as her pit stop crew in this Formula 1 style race called life. A typical pit crew can have up to 20 team members who come together during a race car’s pit stop to refuel, change tires and patch up any important vehicle damage all in 12 seconds or less in order to get that car back on the race track as quickly as possible.

Some of the members of my pit crew are:  Amazon Prime (I have automated the delivery of certain household items/products that we use regularly); two specific administrative assistants hired in my department with whom I have built great work relationships (they handle certain administrative tasks for me like scheduling meetings, getting certain paper work to the right place, sending me project deadline reminders etc); my Nanny (handling my kids’ laundry, bath time, packing school lunch, school bus stop run, some cooking, helping me prep ingredients on my cooking days, etc); my Mom and my Sister (who have been with me through every joy and every sorrow in my life); my mentors (high-achieving career women—including my Mom–who have gone before me and served as role models and advisers along the away);  and my friends (close friends who have had my back through the thick and thin).

My first son is autistic, and I have also built a solid team of support around him (and us)—a team that includes his ABA therapists, School teachers, Speech Therapists, Occupational Therapists, and some dedicated relatives and friends. I invest regularly in my support teams by expressing my gratitude, showering them with gifts, never taking them for granted and doing my best to not abuse them.

A high-achieving career woman is a woman who has learnt how to delegate the tasks that do not require her specific personal touch on the path to achieving her larger life goals.  For example, I do not need to fold my kids’ laundry or pack their school lunch every day to be a great mother—I do however want to (need to) read to them, engage them in play, take them to church, direct their education, and choose the types of food we eat/kind of laundry detergent we use at home (to name a few). I would rather allocate my time to building strong bonds with my loved ones through quality time spent with them. So, I select for myself the tasks which require my personal touch and I outsource (as much as possible) the other stuff. This frees up precious time for me to do more of the high priority activities that tend to be of a more personal nature and ensures that I do not lose myself (and/or my mind) in my achievement journey.

3. Marrying well:  When a high-achieving career woman chooses to marry, she must choose a partner who will not derail her achievement journey but, instead, a partner who will boost her along the way. I was lucky enough to marry my childhood sweetheart and best friend. He has loved me through the awkward stages of adolescence and many interesting branches in my achievement journey. Through it all he has been my greatest cheer leader, an active supporter, a wise sounding board and my most trusted dream partner. During busy and difficult points in my life (the death of my father, flare-ups of my brother’s chronic illness, ICU service weeks, research project deadlines, etc), my husband has taken up extra responsibilities, going above and beyond to ensure that my achievement journey stays on track. If my achievement journey were a Fortune 500 Company, I am the CEO (the Chief Executive Officer) and my husband is the Chairman of the Board of Directors.

According to an article I read in Investopedia on Company Leadership structure, the board’s main role is to monitor the operations of the company and to ensure that it is being run in conjunction with the mandate of the company and the will of the shareholders. As the CEO is the management position responsible for driving those operations, having a combined role (as both CEO and Chairman of the Board) would result in monitoring oneself, which opens the door for abuse of the position. A board led by an independent chair is more likely to identify and monitor areas of the company that are drifting from its mandate and to put into place corrective measures to get it back on track.

A good partner will hold you accountable to your ideals and your shared goals. When I am veering away from the right track or not giving my very best in a given situation, my husband is not afraid to point that out to me (mostly in a loving and gentle manner–LOL), challenging me to make adjustments that get me back on track. For this system to work, your partner has to have certain qualities: integrity, understanding, wisdom, respect for you and a track record of personal achievement (in order for your partner to be able to truly relate to your ambition and drive).

Like I said, if you must marry, marry well!

4. Grit: According to Angela Duckworth, the Founder and CEO of Character Lab, a nonprofit whose mission is to advance the science and practice of character development,  the Christopher H. Browne Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, faculty co-director of the Penn-Wharton Behavior Change For Good initiative, and faculty co-director of Wharton People Analytics, grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals. She says that one way to think about grit is to consider what grit isn’t: grit is not raw talent, it is not luck nor is it intense momentary longing for something.

Your ability to succeed in certain situations is better predicted by your measure of grit than by IQ testing, SAT scores, and countless other assessments.

Dr. Duckworth says “grit is about having what some researchers call an “ultimate concern”–a goal you care about so much that it organizes and gives meaning to almost everything you do. And grit is holding steadfast to that goal. Even when you fall down. Even when you screw up. Even when progress toward that goal is halting or slow.”

Dr. Duckworth, a 2013 MacArthur Genius Fellow, has advised the White House, the World Bank, NBA and NFL teams, and Fortune 500 CEOs. Her TED talk is among the most-viewed of all time. Her first book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, is a #1 New York Times best seller.

When asked by the New York Times, how does one develop grit? She said “you cannot will yourself to be interested in something you’re not interested in. But you can actively discover and deepen your interest. So once you’ve fostered an interest, then, and only then, can you do the kind of difficult, effortful and sometimes frustrating practice that truly makes you better. Another thing is really maintaining a sense of hope or resilience, even when there are setbacks.”

High-achieving career women are not derailed by long timelines, delayed gratification, setbacks, or challenging scenarios. I have learned to keep my eyes on the prize and to actively visualize my success to keep me going through the tough times.

Check out her grit scale: https://angeladuckworth.com/grit-scale/

How to build grit: https://sasupenn.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_et9nFw40c1kNdYN

5. Organization: Organization is a major key to success. When you are disorganized you are unable to capitalize on opportunities because you will be unprepared, late or at the wrong place at the wrong time. When you are disorganized, you will often miss deadlines, mix up assignments or just not show up at all for important events which can lead to being branded as unreliable. Also, when your environment is messy, you work less efficiently because you waste time having to track down the tools you need to complete a task making it all so much more burdensome.

How I stay organized: I have a planner that works for me—I use an old fashioned notebook day planner and then I set alarms and notifications on my hand-held device immediately as I book appointments or schedule dates/events. If you can afford to hire a secretary or personal assistant, by all means, go for it.  I organize my work and living environment such that everything has its proper place so that I can quickly and more easily access my tools—for example, I have a set place for batteries, safety pins, envelopes, stamps, sewing kit, tool box, super glue, etc. things that I have just learned to stock up on so that I don’t have to run out to look for them every time I need them.

My Study

When it comes to studying for exams (and I have studied for many)—the best way to prepare for a test is to take as many practice questions as you possibly can. Sitting down and reading tons and tons of books may work, but it is not as efficient (or as effective) as practice questions. I give myself ample time to study for a difficult exam—up to 6-8 weeks. I break up my initial study schedule in to an hour per day of reading and an hour per day of questions/answer review in the early part of my study plan (2 hours per day). As I draw closer to the exam, I transition to 30 minutes to 1 hour of studying and 2-3 hours of questions and answer review (3-4 hours per day). By breaking my study schedule into bite size pieces and spreading it over a realistic timeline, I am able to tackle the big Goliath of a difficult exam while conducting a very hectic life. This method has never (ever) failed me.

6. Practice Makes Perfect:  In 2008 Malcolm Gladwell (a Canadian Journalist, Author, Speaker) published his New York Times bestseller, Outliers. Gladwell said one main factor that people who are extraordinarily proficient in certain subjects or skills have in common is the amount of time they practiced within their area of study. 10000 hours is the supposed “tipping point of greatness” per Gladwell.

90 minutes per day x 20 years = 10000 hours

Many studies since have called Gladwell’s conclusions into question. It seems that quality of practice is more important than quantity; also, natural talent plays a key role. So how does practice make perfect or did your mother lie to you? It is all about Deliberate Practice. According to Author James Clair, Deliberate Practice refers to a special type of practice that is purposeful and systematic. Regular practice might include mindless repetitions, but deliberate practice requires focused attention and is conducted with the specific goal of improving performance.

To achieve deliberate practice, one must be able to stay focused through many repetitions of a particular skill set that is deemed important for a career/job/sport/hobby/project. I have found that in order to get “good” at the different skill sets I call on regularly (especially my clinical skills), I have had to seek specific opportunities (both real and simulated) to repeat that skill over and over again until I attain muscle memory (and even end up looking like a natural talent in skills I originally performed poorly). Even when I am not performing well in initial practice, I keep pushing and I keep repeating, forging past my comfort zones. I seek feedback from the experts and natural talents around me, I read up on new methods, and I make adjustments to my own performance until I attain max performance capacity.

7. Empathy and Compassion:  In order to live my best life, I have found that I have to pay attention to others around me who may be challenged in some way or who may be going through some rough patches  in life because I firmly believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. The fact that I am a high achiever is self-evident of the fact that I was given a lot along the way (none of that I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps delusion of grandeur). The Book of Acts Chapter 20 Verse 35 says “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”  Why not tap into those blessings—I mean, who doesn’t want greater blessings? My Spirit is so buoyed up and I feel so liberated to enjoy what I have when I have shared with others around me (both strangers and friends) and made sure they are okay too.

8. Rewarding Myself: As I give to others, I make sure to take great care of myself too. You need to put on your oxygen mask first in order to be alive to help others around you put on their oxygen masks. Yes, even when it comes to your kids, this still applies. Apart from using rewards as a way to rejuvenate, I also use rewards to motivate—especially when it comes to challenging projects and difficult assignments (like a big exam or 30 lb. weight loss goal). I pick a specific reward and I set a budget and/or savings plan to be able to afford the reward in its due time. A reward that encourages a healthy work ethic will feel less like a guilty pleasure and more like a nutritious meal when all is said and done. Some reward ideas: A day at the Spa, a (luxury) vacation, new clothes, a (Dior) handbag [LOL!], going out to dinner, watching a movie, manicure/pedicure, etc. I literally could go on and on (and on!)

9. Paying Attention to Experts: Do not be afraid of/intimidated by/jealous of those around you who seem to “have it all” or who seem to be more successful than you in your chosen field. You need to, instead, befriend them/learn from them/pick their brains and realize that you too can achieve. You must understand that you also have something to offer this world—so do not be a copycat or someone who gets paralyzed by fear. Be an original and a contributor to your chosen field.

I constantly seek out mentorship and guidance because closed mouths do not get fed. Through every step of my achievement journey (early education, medical school, research projects, residencies, fellowships, current career, motherhood, marriage, blogging etc), I have tracked down role models and paid attention to them. I do not look to be spoon fed—no! I look to take a recipe (if shared), modify it to fit my taste and lifestyle, adding my own special magic along the way. If the recipe is under lock and key, I will just take a stab at learning as I go and create my own recipe.

With my Mentor and Friend, Dr. Sapna Kudchadkar at the Johns Hopkins PICU 40th Anniversary Celebration

10. Solving for happy: As if it were a mathematical equation or a formula in physics, I solve for happiness. Meaning that, regardless of the peril and stress around me, I always aim to reestablish my joy. I do my best, every day, not to cry over spilt milk—the ultimate waste of time. High achievers do not wallow in sorrow; no! They move on quickly from setbacks, mistakes, disappointments, and failures.

I tend to accept reality quite rapidly and make peace with the past while creating a strategy for moving forward. I focus on that which is in my control and use that to attain a different outcome the next time around. If you haven’t already, please check out this amazing book by Mo Gawdat (Chief Business Officer at Google) called Solve for Happy which teaches you how to engineer your path to joy. He describes a lot of the methods I have unwittingly employed in my life over time that continue to help me keep my center.

11. Trust in God: I do not subscribe to the common notion of God as a fairy godmother or genie who grants my wishes if I pray hard enough or pay enough tithes. 

The road is likely going to be rough and crooked but the Bible says that when you trust God and seek His own understanding and peace, He will direct your path making it straight. Therefore, you can live selflessly because you know God will make provisions and He will not let you starve; you can take that plunge because you know you have a safety net; you can dream big dreams fearlessly even with the potential pitfalls well demarcated in front of you because God will help you overcome. My top daily requests from God: A grateful heart, discipline to make the right choices , a giving spirit, forgiveness, and entry into His Kingdom.

So friends, this is what works for me, and I hope that by sharing this, I may help someONE out there.

What do you think about these factors for high achievement? Please share your thoughts, as well as some of the factors that have helped you succeed, in the comment section down below.

Love,

Chichi